Paul and Geoff explain why receiving feedback matters just as much as giving it — especially in self-managing, less hierarchical teams where learning has to flow both ways.
They cover common traps people fall into when feedback arrives (avoidance, denial, excuses, emotional overreactions, and the “feedback vacuum” where it only happens rarely), then introduce Esther Derby’s SARA model: Shock → Anger → Rationalisation → Acceptance as a normal sequence people often move through.
They finish with practical tips: depersonalise feedback (it’s about behaviour, not your worth), pause before reacting, filter for credibility without dismissing it, watch your negativity bias, and make it easier for others by sharing how you like to receive feedback. They also point listeners to a downloadable set of role-play scenarios to practise giving and receiving feedback in small groups.
Paul Goddard:
Hello, listeners — and welcome to the Agile Skills Library with me, Paul, and my good friend Geoff.
Over the years we’ve collected hundreds of techniques and skills, and we’re going to share them with you. In every episode there’ll be something new you can try — and some downloadable content to help you along the way.
Let’s get into it.
Hello again, and welcome back to the Agile Skills Library. My name is Paul Goddard, I’m here with my friend Geoff Watts, and we’ve created this podcast for your listening delight: all the skills and techniques we’ve learned over the years — pulled into short, 30-minute episodes.
Today’s episode is part two of our Feedback Skills mini-series — this one is about receiving feedback. Part one was about giving feedback, so if you haven’t listened to that yet, go back and start there — this will land much better afterwards.
Geoff, over to you. What’s different, in your opinion, between giving and receiving feedback?
Geoff Watts:
Well, every piece of communication has at least two parties, right? There’s the person sending information, and the person receiving it.
If I’m giving feedback, there’s a lot I can do to increase the chances that what I’m trying to communicate actually lands. But even if I deliver the perfect piece of feedback in the best way… if the person I’m speaking to isn’t open to receiving it — or doesn’t have the skills to interpret it and use it — it’s still not going to be very effective.
In an ideal world, feedback is at least bi-directional — if not multi-directional. We can give each other feedback, especially in this context.
In the previous episode I said it becomes even more important as we try to move away from top-down hierarchy and toward more decentralised ways of working. Cross-functional, self-managing teams need to be able to help each other grow — as individuals and as a team. So if I’m going to give you feedback, I also want feedback from you. And that means we both need to get good at giving and receiving.
Learning often comes from awareness and acceptance of what others perceive around you. On an individual basis, receiving feedback is essential if you want to grow — to be a better practitioner, a better trainer, a better coach… a better human.
It starts with accepting that I’m not perfect. And if I can accept that, then — as hard as it can be to hear — I need to consciously look for opportunities to listen to others about what I could improve.
And here’s the thing: receiving feedback can be hard even when it’s positive. I don’t particularly like being told I’m good at something. And culturally… it’s not very British to wallow in our own glory.
We often wave away positive feedback — “Oh no, you’re too kind” — because we don’t like the limelight. But we need to be able to take both: the compliments and the constructive criticism.
I actually do a lot of work with people who struggle to internalise the positive feedback they receive — to really take in the contribution they’re making. People assume the hard part is criticism, but it’s often both.
Paul Goddard:
Yeah, very true.
So today we’ll give you:
Paul Goddard:
One obvious trap is avoidance. If I know feedback is coming my way, it can feel easier to dodge it — reduce the opportunities for it to happen.
Geoff Watts:
Definitely. Sometimes it’s conscious: “I’m not going to that meeting” or “I’ll make sure I’m busy.” Sometimes it’s subconscious — we don’t even realise we’re avoiding it.
We might waffle so the other person can’t get their words in. Or procrastinate. It’s self-preservation. We’re protecting our ego because we’re worried about the consequences.
It’s basically a flight response.
Paul Goddard:
And the opposite is the fight response — strong denial, defensiveness, “How dare you say that.” And sometimes it escalates into counter-attacking: firing back some inverted “feedback” to even the score or shift the spotlight away.
Other traps?
Geoff Watts:
Rationalisation — which is just a polite word for excuses.
Instead of reflecting and thinking, “Yeah, I didn’t handle that well,” we reach for reasons why it’s not our fault: “You wound me up,” “I was tired,” “That’s not what I meant,” whatever. Anything that lets us avoid owning it.
Paul Goddard:
Another one is an overly emotional reaction: crying, shouting, storming out, slamming doors — catastrophising like one piece of feedback means the world is ending or you’re going to lose your job.
It takes emotional regulation, awareness, and practice. And often it’s influenced by what you grew up around: did your environment model feedback as normal — or as something threatening?
And one more trap: feedback being rare.
If you only get feedback once every six months, it lands like a meteor. When it’s part of normal day-to-day interaction, it’s much easier to receive.
Paul Goddard:
This is where a model from Esther Derby can really help. It’s affectionately called SARA — and it’s useful because it helps you recognise what you’re likely to experience internally when feedback lands.
We love an acronym, don’t we?
SARA stands for:
The initial jolt: “What? I can’t believe you’re saying that.”
Energy is high, emotion is raw.
The defensive response: “How dare you.”
That fight energy kicks in.
This is where we start making sense of it: explaining it away, minimising it, or pushing back on it.
Eventually — sometimes not immediately — we may come back and acknowledge it:
“I can see how that landed. I’m sorry. I’ll work on it.”
And the key point is: these responses are normal. The model helps you recognise the pattern rather than getting swept away by it.
Geoff Watts:
Some people add an H at the end — there’s no real consensus — but it’s usually something like Help, Hope, or Honest effort. Personally, I prefer keeping it simple: SARA is enough.
Paul Goddard:
So what helps? If you want to get better at receiving feedback, what should people actually do?
Geoff Watts:
Most of the difficulty is a challenge to your self-perception — it feels like your identity is under attack. That triggers vulnerability and threat.
So first tip: depersonalise it.
This isn’t feedback about your worth as a human. It’s feedback about a behaviour, a choice, a skill — something you can adjust.
Second: filter it.
Not every piece of feedback is true. It’s someone’s perception — and sometimes it’s incomplete, biased, or even motivated by something else. That’s not a license to ignore everything, but you should consciously evaluate what you’re hearing.
A useful phrase I’ve heard is: “Evaluate the credibility of the witness.” Not to dismiss them — but to make sure you’re taking the right message from the right place.
And practically: it’s almost impossible to rationalise feedback when you’re emotional. So if you feel that surge of anger or shame — step away, take ten seconds, sleep on it, then revisit it with a calmer brain.
Paul Goddard:
Yeah — and something else: we tend to have a negativity bias. One critical comment can outweigh five positive ones in our heads.
So don’t over-amplify a single piece of critical feedback. Watch for the instinct to go hunting for the “bad review” and ignoring all the evidence of what’s going well.
Also: when someone gives you feedback — especially if they’ve clearly found it hard — acknowledge it. If they’ve taken the time to deliver it thoughtfully, thank them.
And if you want better feedback, help people give it to you: tell them what timing, format, and style works best for you. That makes it easier for them and more useful for you.
One personal example: early in our training days, someone gave me feedback in a really brash, mocking way — about words I repeated when I spoke. I took it to heart… but it wasn’t actually very useful feedback. It was more about relieving his irritation than helping me improve.
Geoff Watts:
That’s a great example of intent.
There’s a phrase I’ve heard — and sometimes it’s true:
“Everybody loves to be told the truth by somebody who cares how it lands.”
If you don’t feel the feedback is coming from a good place, it’s much harder to use it well — and it’s much easier for it to just hurt.
Paul Goddard:
So — we’ve got something for you to download with this episode.
It’s a set of feedback scenarios Geoff and I have curated over the years. People regularly ask us for it at the end of workshops, so we thought: let’s just make it public.
They’re role-play scenarios — some entirely fictional, some with an element of truth — and we’re not saying which is which.
The way we normally run this is in groups of three:
You can practise the structures from episode one, and you can watch for the kinds of responses you see in SARA.
We’ve also added a difficulty level to the scenarios — so use your judgement and remove anything that isn’t appropriate for your team.
Geoff Watts:
And here’s my advice: practise what you preach.
When you run these scenarios, ask for feedback on the feedback. There isn’t one “right” way to do it. Get input not just on what you said, but how you said it — because different people need different delivery.
Paul Goddard:
Brilliant.
So that’s it for our Feedback Skills mini-series.
And — genuinely — if you’ve got any feedback for us on how these episodes landed, or what we could improve, please write in and let us know.
Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you in the next episode.
Goodbye for now.
Geoff Watts:
Cheers, all.
